To be able to live a life over and over again, it is a very interesting fantasy, but it is one that is somewhat of a reality to those who struggle with CPTSD... or, maybe, just me.
It has been a year and a half since my move, and though I am nearly 30, I feel as though I have started on my 5th life. Having doors be boarded up, catastrophic financial decisions, and a few family deaths and end of friendships all throughout, I am finally able to stand on my own feet with a clear mind for the first time in... well.. ever? Perhaps being what is essentially "middle aged" in a "cat's have 9 lives" context, I feel way more prepared and confident in my remaining 4 lives.
I am able to think clearly, and it has been both a blessing and a curse. A curse in that I can see every flaw I have made in my past with the people I chose to surround myself with, and a blessing to realize I deserved none of the pain that had been given to me from that. The best symbol of this, I have noticed, has been how much my art has improved. I am mastering visual effects and video editing at a fast pace, and I am creating more fleshed out 3D models than I had before. There is a drive to create now, and it has been almost ecstatic to tackle it all.
But... also extremely overwhelming.
Wide open plains and seas are before me, yet I have found myself trapped in a flow-state. I wake up, I go to work, I go home, I take a nap, I cook dinner, I maybe draw for 1 hour if I'm lucky then I go to bed once more. If I do take that our to draw, however, I am immediately crushed by the vastness of my new horizons, and I freeze. I could draw the comic I've been wanting to draw for 11 years, or I can freeze up and stare at a wall until I go to bed... what wonderful choices, brain, of course I'd love to have some wall time, don't mind if I do!
It doesn't even stop with creative endeavors, in fact I am so comfortable in my life currently that my old tactic of "I need to get __ done or I will die/curse the land with blight for 10 million years/the world will explode" doesn't really work anymore (it kind of never did, but at least it would offer some progress). Now that the world isn't literally on fire (just metaphorically), it is hard for me to even make proper grocery store plans. "Yeah, I could go to Wal-Mart tonight, but I could also go tomorrow. Oh, it's tomorrow now? Hmm... maybe the next day is fine, yeah I can do it the next day... or maybe.."
Essentially, all the humor aside: I think I don't know how to pilot my 5th life at the moment, it is a bit too cushy. Which seems like the opposite of a problem, and on paper it totally is, but here is the kicker:
Normal people would deem what I am going through now as incredibly bad and hard.I just was actually in hell before this, so being in lighter hell is like heaven to me.
To get into the specifics is not where I want to go with this, but to sum it up, everyone including myself in my household is sick. we have very limited money, and insurance companies hate our asses. I am worried about myself not fully grasping the gravity of it all, and at times I feel like I can't really relate to those in my household due to our very different histories.
I watched a video recently, a video by a person talking about their Ukrainian Refugee family on advice for mental health. It is filled with dark humor, all essentially running down "you can either die by a bomb or die eventually otherwise. If it's not a bomb, this is good. You should be happy." Which, it feels a little crass, and oh it is, but it has been getting me through some of my past and further helping my partner tackle his ongoing circumstances.
Like, yeah, not dying from a bomb is_ good and bad ass, let's go.
It is now that I realize I am not sure how to end this blog post. This was mostly an attempt to test out GreenGale and what I can do with it, so I hope you enjoyed this nonsensical post if you've made it this far.
I shall leave this here with a thanks and a good-bye!