russian circus, day 1663, and the only thing more endless than the war is the list of shit theyve run out of. today we got kushner selling “peace,” taganrog with no air defense, a gasoline apocalypse, and vatniks brainstorming new ways to lose. spoiler, none of it is going great for team ruzzia.
the “peace plan” nobody asked for
so the us “peace plan” is back, starring jared kushner beaming into kyiv to drop “putin wants peace” like its not the punchline of the year. the room cracks up, because nothing says “read the room” like telling a city shelled for years that the guy doing the shelling is just misunderstood. kushner’s galaxy brain take is that the real problem is ukraine not wanting to hand over donbas, and trump’s job is to “compromise.” yeah, because rewarding a war criminal for not finishing the job is peak diplomacy.
the kremlin has to pretend this is a win, but even they look tired of the rerun. every “lets compromise with the arsonist” pitch since 2014, just with new faces and worse hair. the only thing more played out than this script is the guy in moscow who has to clap for it.
putin wants peace, says the guy who thinks kyiv is a suburb of moscow and war crimes are just “tough negotiations.”
taganrog’s sky is open for business
meanwhile, taganrog just ran out of air defense. not “ran low,” not “had a bad day,” just straight up “out.” imagine living in a bad neighborhood and your last lock snaps off the door. the only thing left to intercept is the excuses.
now the sky is open season for every drone, missile, and pissed off pigeon with a grudge. the regime calls it “strategic redeployment.” translation: “we lost it, please clap.” the only thing moving faster than the drones is the spin on kremlin tv.
when the pvo is gone, its not just a meme, its a weather forecast: 80 percent chance of explosions, 100 percent chance of cope.
gasoline apocalypse now
russia’s out of gas. not metaphorically, like “the regime’s out of gas,” but literally, like “there’s no gasoline in saratov, rostov, or samara.” tractors are dead in the fields, tow trucks are parked, and the only thing moving is the line at the bus stop. saint petersburg city hall finally noticed and put out a statement that explains nothing, which is basically the russian government’s entire crisis management strategy.
- tractors stopped, crops rotting
- tow trucks parked, nobody moving
- city hall statements that say nothing
why is there no gas? because russia’s so busy shipping it out for hard currency that there’s nothing left for the peasants at home. export everything, import nothing, and pray nobody notices the shelves are bare. its like the soviet union but with more tiktok and less bread. when the tractors stop, its not just a meme, its the food supply. but hey, at least the regime can still buy iranian drones with the cash, so who cares if you cant drive to work.
the only thing more empty than the gas stations is the regime’s promises.
america improvises, kremlin laughs
meanwhile, the us just sank an iranian oil tanker in the gulf after it launched some ballistic missiles at american ships. centcom even posted the video, because nothing says “we’re back” like a little maritime fireworks. this is what happens when you run out of plans and just start improvising with live ammo.
the us started a war with iran with no plan for victory, no plan for what happens if the regime doesnt collapse in a week, and now there’s a bunch of abandoned bases and a lot of angry gulf states. the only thing more predictable than this mess is the kremlin’s glee every time america faceplants in the middle east.
russia cant win in ukraine, but theyll always have popcorn for when the us steps on a rake in the gulf.
russian front: small groups, big losses
back on the russian front, the only thing moving faster than the propaganda is the rate at which things fall apart. russian command is now obsessed with “small group infiltration.” translation: “we cant do big offensives, so lets sneak around and hope nobody notices.” theyre sending little squads to probe ukrainian lines, trying to get around strongpoints, but its not exactly blitzkrieg. its more like “please let us have a win for tv.”
ukrainian forces are holding the same positions around kostyantynivka as a month ago, and every time the russians try to flank, they get chewed up. the only thing advancing is the graveyard shift.
- small groups sent, big casualties
- no ground gained, just more excuses
- tv generals calling it “creative tactics”
home front: liberation means kidnapping
while the front is stuck, the home front’s not looking much better. in a russian border town, a woman gets kidnapped after refusing to talk to a soldier. not a spy, not a saboteur, just a regular person who didnt want to chat with a guy in uniform. two days later, shes snatched from a parking lot by a group of men, two of whom are military.
this is what “liberation” looks like at home: soldiers so bored or desperate theyre kidnapping their own civilians. but sure, tell me again how the west is decadent.
the only thing the regime protects these days is its own ass.
vatnik solutions: cope buffet
so whats the latest vatnik “way to end the war”? depends who you ask. some say “negotiate,” which means “give us what we want or we’ll keep bombing you.” others say “total mobilization,” which is code for “send more poor kids to die so the generals can keep their medals.” the regime’s best idea is to wait for america to get bored and force ukraine to surrender. thats not a plan, thats a wish and a prayer.
- negotiate (aka surrender)
- total mobilization (aka meat grinder)
- wait for america to bail you out (aka cope)
the only thing russia’s actually good at ending is its own future.
how this ends (spoiler: not with kushner)
lets be real, the only way this war ends is when russia runs out of bodies, money, or both. the “peace plans” are just pr, the “compromises” are just code for “let us keep what we stole,” and the only thing the regime exports faster than oil is excuses.
the west can talk about deals all it wants, but ukraine’s not signing up for another minsk, and russia’s not about to stop unless its forced. the only thing that’s going to “end the war” is the same thing that ended every other imperial adventure: defeat, bankruptcy, and a lot of angry people asking where it all went wrong.
so yeah, day 1663, and the only thing russia’s conquered is its own gas stations. the “second army of the world” cant keep the lights on, cant keep the sky closed, and cant even keep its own people safe from its own soldiers. but hey, at least kushner thinks putin wants peace. maybe next time he can sell them a bridge in crimea.
russian victory parade this year is just a guy holding a gas can and a sign that says “please clap.”