imagine losing the same city three times and calling it a strategy, miners rioting because the only thing getting liberated is their wallets, and your best hope is trump mumbling “n-rhetoric” like hes ordering a burger with extra cope. welcome to day 1665 of the worlds dumbest war, where russian propaganda faceplants faster than a conscript in crocs.
liman: the mud olympics nobody asked for
liman is back in the news, which means its time for another round of “strategic withdrawal” on z-telegram. ukrainians are pushing, russians are posting cope at record speed, and the z-bloggers are running their usual playbook:
- “its a trap, we’re luring them in”
- “we never wanted liman anyway, its just a swamp”
- “real men fight for mud”
bro, you lost the mud, the trees, and half your conscripts shoes. the only thing you’re holding is the L. every time they lose a town, the story changes faster than putins hairline. you cant lose the same place three times and call it a master plan, unless the plan is to see how many times you can get clowned on in one war.
donbas miners: liberation means working for free
meanwhile, in the donbas, the miners finally figured out that “liberation” means working for free while your boss buys a new mercedes in moscow. donetsk miners are protesting unpaid wages, which is wild because the last time anyone in russia protested, they got a free trip to the police station and a bonus beating.
even the most loyal vatnik gets tired of eating turnips and breathing coal dust while the regime tells them they’re building the new soviet union. spoiler: the new soviet union is just the old one, but with more tiktok and less bread. you know its bad when the guys who dig coal for a living decide they’d rather risk a baton than another month of IOUs.
generals: sudden illness season
as if on cue, another russian general goes belly up. the official story is always “sudden illness,” which is kremlin for “he pissed off the wrong guy or caught a himars to the face.” at this point, russian generals are dropping faster than the ruble.
the only thing more dangerous than leading russian troops is being in charge of their logistics. if you’re a russian general and you hear “comrade, the boss wants to see you,” start running or fake your own death, because the next medal you get is gonna be posthumous. the kremlin’s HR department is just a guy with a shovel and a list.
the cavalry: trump, kushner, and the peace plan circus
dont worry, the cavalry is here: trump, kushner, and a bunch of american “peace plan” tourists who think the war is just a big misunderstanding. trump’s out here calling nuclear threats “n-rhetoric” like hes afraid to say the word out loud, and his crew is floating “compromises” that sound suspiciously like “just give russia whatever it wants and call it peace.”
kushner even tried to sell the idea that putin wants peace, and the whole room in kyiv laughed so hard they almost forgot there’s a war on. imagine being so out of touch that you pitch “maybe ukraine should just give up donbas” to a country that’s been burying its dead for four years straight. that’s not diplomacy, that’s brain damage.
the only thing emptier than their promises is the fridge in a donetsk miner’s kitchen.
kremlin’s greatest hits: nuclear blackmail and fake referendums
the kremlin’s still playing its greatest hits: nuclear blackmail, fake referendums, and blaming everything on “russophobia.” their guy at the un security council is quoting random american senators and claiming the west is trying to infect trump with anti-russian hysteria. bro, trump doesn’t need help being confused, hes doing fine on his own.
the only thing more delusional than russian diplomats is the idea that anyone outside of z-telegram actually believes them. every time ukraine hits another oil depot or blows up a bridge in crimea, russian tv goes into cope overdrive: “its all part of the plan, we’re just testing their patience, soon we’ll unleash our secret weapon.” yeah, that secret weapon is called “hope the winter is cold enough to freeze the front line and everyone forgets we exist.”
economy: now with 30% more cardboard
lets talk economy. sanctions are biting, the ruble is doing the limbo, and every new “import substitution” scheme is just a fancy way to say “now with 30% more cardboard.” wildberries is collapsing, sochi’s a mess, and the only thing russia exports reliably is guys with backpacks running for the border.
the regime keeps promising greatness, but all you get is another speech about “standing up to the west” while your town runs out of gas and your cousin gets drafted to go die for a map line nobody can find. the russian dream is a lada that starts, a neighbor poorer than you, and a tv that swears the potato shortage is a western psyop.
z-bloggers: cope olympics
the real comedy is watching the z-bloggers try to spin all this. one day its “we’re advancing on all fronts,” the next its “we’re regrouping for a counteroffensive,” and by friday its “actually, nato is the real enemy and we’re fighting the whole world.” pick a lane, champ.
you cant lose the same city three times and call it a strategy. at this point, the only thing more flexible than russian war plans is the definition of victory. every russian victory gets announced from a town 600 km from the town they actually lost. those maps are doing serious cardio.
regime: robbing you blind while you clap
through it all, the regime’s still robbing its own people blind. oligarchs are buying villas in dubai, the kids of top officials are posting yacht pics on instagram, and the average russian is getting told to “tighten their belts for the motherland.” meanwhile, the only thing getting denazified is the russian pension fund.
you’d think after four years of this, someone would notice the pattern: the regime gets richer, the people get poorer, and the only thing that changes is which general gets a closed-casket funeral this week. they sell you greatness while you crap in a hole in the yard, and the wild part is you clap. insane brand loyalty tbh.
so yeah, day 1665. ukraine’s pushing, the miners are pissed, the generals are dying, and trump’s out here selling peace plans like a used car salesman who cant find the keys. russian propaganda is still running on fumes, and the only thing emptier than their promises is the fridge in a donetsk miner’s kitchen. the empire’s not just losing the war, its losing the plot. and the wildest part? they still think the world’s buying it.
every empire that exports mostly its own people running away is not exactly winning.