russian missile lands, witch says you manifested it by thinking about the beach. 2024 and the hottest wartime side hustle is selling you a tarot reading about the next air raid. the only thing more random than a russian missile is the shit people will pay for when the world is on fire.
the wartime psychic hustle
scam artists dont die, they just rebrand. the “clairvoyant infrastructure” got a wartime patch: out with love spells, in with “remote viewing” the next shahed strike. now every telegram channel has its own cassandra, reading the news and calling it prophecy. akashic records, crystal balls, patreon links, the works.
people eat it up because when the only thing more unpredictable than a missile is your next paycheck, you’ll pay for any illusion of control. the real magic trick is monetizing pure, uncut anxiety. witches sell “energy readings” about where the next “arrival” will be, like your weather app but with more incense and less accuracy. sure, the cards know where the missile lands, and my neighbor’s goat can pick stocks.
the only thing more unpredictable than a missile trajectory is a russian general’s sobriety.
victim blaming with extra steps
this shit isnt just harmless fun, its got a nasty edge. if you get caught outside during a strike, it’s not because russia’s lobbing cruise missiles at civilians, it’s because you “attracted negative energy.” the logic is pure cope: if something bad happens, it’s your fault for not listening to the cards. if nothing happens, the cards “protected” you. heads they win, tails you lose, and you’re out 500 hryvnias for a whatsapp voice note.
the playbook is simple:
- remind everyone “life can end at any moment”
- claim you have secret knowledge, but only if you pay up
- if something bad happens, blame the victim for “provoking” fate
- if nothing happens, claim your ritual worked
it’s kremlin propaganda with more incense and less photoshop. both sell you fear, both promise safety, both leave you broke and none the wiser.
insurance is a joke, so bring on the witches
dont get it twisted, this isnt just a ukrainian thing. russians got their own flavor of magical thinking, but over there, the only thing more common than a witch is a guy selling “miracle” insurance against the state. spoiler: you cant insure yourself against putin’s next bright idea. the only thing the regime guarantees is that whatever stability you thought you had can vanish overnight.
the insurance market is cooked. used to be you could buy some peace of mind, now insuring a warehouse costs ten times what it did four years ago, and half the time nobody will even write the policy. “rosgosstrakh” shelled out a billion rubles last year just for drone damage and they’re still getting hammered. so people turn to the witches, because at least the tarot lady answers her dms.
telegram panic vs. prophecy
the “monitoring channels” on telegram livestream every shahed buzzing overhead, but the witches are eating their lunch. why? because the channels just tell you what’s happening, while the witches promise to tell you what’s next. it’s the difference between a weather report and a prophecy. one’s cold comfort, the other’s a warm lie. and in wartime, people will pay for the lie every time.
the cast of characters is wild:
- “life purpose specialists”
- “akashic record guides”
- “grandmasters of reiki”
- “subtle world researchers”
- “energy correctors”
it’s like the avengers if the avengers charged you by the minute and their superpower was making you anxious. they’ll tell you the “energy of death” is wandering the city, that the cards say the center of kyiv is in danger, that you need to “stay alert” or risk “attracting negativity.” the goal? keep you just scared enough to keep coming back.
when the real explosions hit, the act gets shaky. some witches double down, claiming their “magical hearing” told them it was safe to keep streaming. others get rattled, fumbling their cards and mumbling about “checking the energy.” spoiler: none of them saw it coming. the only thing their “inner monitor” is tuned to is the sound of their own hustle.
why it works: the regime’s fear factory
so why does this work? because the state offers nothing but fear. the regime’s whole business model is keeping you scared and guessing. the only thing more stable than russian poverty is russian instability. the government cant guarantee your safety, your savings, or your future, so you look for answers anywhere you can. vpns, rumors, tarot cards, pick your poison.
the information environment is a minefield. every day, there’s a new rumor: banks about to freeze deposits, army about to draft everyone, next strike will hit the city center. none of it’s confirmed, all of it feels real, because the background noise is so loud. oil depots burning, warehouses exploding, logistics chains collapsing, no single event is enough to make you run to the bank, but together, they make every bad rumor sound plausible. it’s like living in a haunted house where the ghosts are just as broke as you are.
the regime loves it. silence is read as support. if you’re not screaming, you must be fine. but silence out of fear and silence out of agreement look the same, right up until something snaps. maybe it’s a new mobilization, maybe it’s frozen bank accounts, maybe it’s just one missile too many. until then, everyone’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the witches are cashing in on the suspense.
control is the real currency
this is all about control. the regime cant control the war, cant control the economy, cant even control the narrative anymore. so they outsource the fear to anyone who’ll take it, propagandists, witches, telegram grifters. the only thing they export more than oil is anxiety. and the witches? they’re just the middlemen, flipping your fear for a quick buck.
meanwhile, the real risks, the ones you cant tarot-card away, are getting worse. insurance is a joke, the economy’s a dumpster fire, and the only thing more inflated than the ruble is the casualty count. the regime robs you blind and tells you to be grateful. the witches just add a little incense and call it “energy work.”
so what’s the takeaway? in a country where the future is a coin toss and the only thing you can count on is another tuesday threat from moscow, people will pay for any scrap of certainty. the witches know it, the regime knows it, and the only ones pretending otherwise are the ones selling you the next prediction. it’s all the same circus, just with different clowns.
next time you see a tarot reader promising to “sense the next arrival,” remember: if they really knew the future, they’d be in poland by now. the only thing they’re predicting is how much you’ll pay to feel a little less powerless. and that, my friends, is the oldest trick in the book, war or no war.
russian victory is always just one more tarot reading away.