russian elections are like a zombie movie that never ends, just with more tracksuits and fewer brains. every september, the kremlin drags out the same tired circus, hyping up duma votes and governor races like anyone outside the regime actually gives a shit. spoiler: they dont. two thirds of russians cant even tell you when the elections are. the only thing more dead than the “political process” is the guy who tried to run against putin in 2018.
the ritual nobody needs
nobody in russia needs these elections, not the voters, not the parties, not even the regime. its just a ritual, like pretending the lada will start in winter or changing the calendar. the whole thing is a mummified performance, staged for the west and for the handful of babushkas who still think voting changes anything. the rest are too busy dodging mobilization, counting their rubles, or figuring out how to get a vpn that works.
campaign season is a joke with no punchline. the only “debate” you get is a communist challenging a united russia drone to a face-off, then the feed cuts to a cooking show. safest way to campaign is to sing neutral songs and hope nobody notices youre alive. talk about the war, the price of bread, or why your neighbor disappeared, and youll be lucky if all you get is a blackout on state tv. the closer it gets to election day, the fewer people show up. the only thing that fills up is the ballot box, and we all know whos stuffing it.
anger in the provinces
in places like belgorod, people are actually pissed. theyre not buying the “special operation” fairy tale anymore. they call united russia the party of war, hunger, poverty, death, and murder. not exactly a campaign slogan you want on your posters, but at least its honest. the regimes answer is always more police, more propaganda, more “patriotic” concerts, anything but actually listening.
the “alternatives” on offer are a menu of misery: more war, less money, angrier elites, poorer people, and a hole so deep even gazprom cant drill out of it. every month, the risks get worse. more guys come back from the front, more families get the “we regret to inform you” letter, more people realize the only thing growing in russia is the price of potatoes and the number of graves. the regime thinks it can keep this up forever, but the math doesnt add up. you cant run a country on fear and fairy tales forever, especially when the fairy tales are this lazy.
the kremlins big plan is to drag out the elections, fake some turnout numbers, declare “historic support,” and then get back to the real business: prepping for the next wave of mobilization. theyre already floating new tricks:
- banning people from leaving the country
- blocking bank accounts
- freezing property deals
anything to squeeze more bodies for the meat grinder. the only thing voluntary about russian mobilization is how fast people try to run away from it.
occupied territories: democracy at gunpoint
lets not forget the occupied territories. the regime rolls in with guns, masked goons, and “transparent” ballot boxes. literally, you can see your vote, and so can the guy with the ak. zelensky tells ukrainians not to participate, because every vote just gives a stamp of fake legitimacy to the whole circus. but when a guy with a gun shows up at your door, “no thanks” isnt really an option. the kremlin calls it democracy. the rest of the world calls it what it is: a hostage situation with paperwork.
even the regimes own supporters are starting to crack. people who used to back united russia are now voting against them, pissed off about internet blackouts, rising prices, drone attacks, and the constant threat of being shipped off to the front. the elections arent about mobilizing support anymore, theyre just referendums on how much people hate the current mess. and the regime is heading into this with the worst hand its ever had: broke, isolated, and running out of excuses.
the only thing more inflated than their casualty numbers is their sense of control.
follow the money (or whats left of it)
russian campaign financing is a black hole. in 2023, the regime was already pinching kopeks, slashing budgets, and telling everyone to tighten their belts. bloomberg says theyve been in “hardcore austerity mode” since april, which is a fancy way of saying “we spent it all on bombs and now theres nothing left for bread.” the only thing getting funded is the war and the propaganda machine. everything else? good luck.
the “election” itself is a three-day marathon of boredom and fraud. no real debates, no real candidates, just a parade of nobodies reading from the same script. the duma that comes out of this will be as legitimate as a diploma from a crimean university. and on the occupied territories, its even more farcical, voting under the barrel of a gun, with armed men in masks going door to door. the only thing missing is a laugh track.
putin, of course, shows up at the united russia convention and promises “open and honest” elections, in strict accordance with the law. sure, and my neighbors lada is a tesla. the only thing “strict” about russian elections is the security around the ballot boxes and the number of opposition candidates who mysteriously cant make it to the studio.
after the “vote”: more war, less hope
after the votes are “counted” (read: pre-written), putin will declare it a barometer of support for the war. if you believe the numbers, ive got a bridge in crimea to sell you. the real barometer is how many people are trying to leave the country, how many are hiding from the draft, and how many are quietly sabotaging the system from the inside.
lets talk about the tech angle. the regime is obsessed with drones, fiber optics, and new control stations, but cant keep the lights on in half the country. theyre prepping for more war, not for peace. every “innovation” is just another way to tighten the screws or kill more people. the only thing modern about the russian state is its surveillance tech and its ability to fake turnout numbers.
so whats next? after the elections, expect a new wave of mobilization. the regime will use every trick in the book:
- travel bans
- blocked bank accounts
- frozen assets
anything to force more people into uniform. the budget crisis will get worse, the war will drag on, and the only thing thatll change is the number of funerals. putin thinks he can ride this out, but history says otherwise. every empire that spends more time faking elections than fixing potholes ends up in the same place: broke, bitter, and forgotten.
nothing new under the sun
the real tragedy is that none of this is new. i grew up watching russia promise to take a capital by friday and lose to a cornfield by monday. every election is the same: deny, deflect, distract, declare victory, repeat. the regimes biggest export isnt oil or gas, its excuses for why nothing ever improves except the number of graves.
russian propaganda will tell you this is all normal, that the west is jealous, that the elections are proof of “sovereignty.” but the only thing sovereign in russia is the fear. the regime robs them blind and they say thank you, i just screenshot it and post. the scariest weapon in the russian army is still the smell, and the only thing more radioactive than their nukes is the vatnik cope when the results come in.
so yeah, “мертвий сезон” is right. the political season in russia is dead, embalmed, and propped up for the cameras. the only thing alive is the paranoia, the poverty, and the propaganda. the regime can fake the numbers, but it cant fake the mood. and when the music stops, all the loyalists will be left holding a ballot box full of nothing.
meanwhile, ukraines tech boom is leaving russia in the dust, the brain drain is turning moscow into a ghost town, and the only thing the kremlin can offer is another round of fake votes and real funerals. the world sees through it. the only people still pretending are the ones cashing the checks or too scared to say otherwise.
in the end, russian elections are just a mirror for the regime: empty, cracked, and desperate to look like something its not. the only thing theyre electing is who gets to explain the next disaster on tv. and trust me, nobodys volunteering for that job.
russian elections: the only place where the turnout is fake, the candidates are fake, and the depression is very, very real.