russian elections are like a zombie parade, except the zombies have more personality and at least theyre not pretending to choose anything. every september the regime dusts off the urns, lines up the cameras, and tells everyone its time to “choose,” but even the paid actors cant remember the date. its like throwing a birthday party for a corpse and wondering why nobody shows up.
the ritual of fake choice
every year, russia cosplays as a normal country and holds “elections” for the duma, governors, and local deputies. the parties dont care, the voters dont care, and the only people who care are the ones who get paid to keep the circus running. even theyre phoning it in, just waiting for the buffet table at the next united russia banquet.
the political process isnt just dead, its been embalmed, taxidermied, and propped up with a “democracy” sign taped to its forehead. two-thirds of russians dont know when the elections are, not because theyre lazy, but because the whole thing is so hollow even the regime cant fake enthusiasm anymore.
the only thing more lifeless than the ballot boxes are the faces of the people forced to pretend they matter.
campaign season: the art of not existing
in a normal country, campaign season means debates, handshakes, and maybe a scandal or two. in russia, the safest campaign move is to sing oldies and pray nobody notices you. the communists literally sing neutral songs because saying anything real is a one-way ticket to a window accident. one guy tried to debate a united russia drone, got cut off, and the tv switched to a segment about tractor production. peak competition.
as the election gets closer, turnout drops. even the regimes own numbers show people cant be bothered. in places like belgorod, where the war is basically next door, united russia gets called the “party of war, hunger, poverty, death, and murder.” not exactly a winning slogan, but at least its honest.
the regime doesnt want real turnout, just enough bodies to wave around and say “see, the people love us.” its not an election, its a referendum on how much apathy you can squeeze out of a population before they just stop pretending. the kremlins dream is a zombie parade: just enough shuffling feet to keep the charade alive, not enough to threaten the script.
the script and the farce
the duma “elections” now run for three days, because apparently one day isnt enough to fake the numbers right. not a single candidate shows up for a real debate. why bother? the outcome is written in stone, and the only thing up for grabs is who gets the best seat at the next regime banquet.
in the occupied parts of ukraine, the farce goes full horror show. armed men in masks go door to door with transparent ballot boxes, like dystopian trick-or-treat. “vote, comrade, or else.” zelensky tells ukrainians not to participate, but when theres a kalashnikov in your face, “no thanks” isnt really an option.
the regimes latest trick is “remote voting,” which is basically a digital slot machine where the house always wins. the only thing more transparent than the ballot boxes is the fraud. the kremlin calls it “open and honest.” sure, and im the tooth fairy.
- three-day voting windows to stretch out the fraud
- armed “observers” in occupied territories
- remote voting tech that guarantees the right result
why bother with the theater?
so why not just skip the elections and crown putin tsar-for-life? easy: the regime needs the ritual. its not about convincing russians, its about convincing themselves, and maybe a few gullible foreigners, that theres still a system here. the emperor’s new clothes are just a pile of moth-eaten propaganda, but the show must go on.
even the regimes own polling says people are pissed. internet shutdowns, rising prices, drone attacks, and the threat of another mobilization wave have turned the mood sour. people who used to vote for united russia out of habit or fear are now thinking twice. the regime is facing its worst starting hand ever: less money, angrier elites, a poorer population, and a war thats eating everything in sight.
putin calls these elections a “barometer of support” for his imperial adventure. but the only thing these elections measure is how much people want to be left alone. the more the regime pushes, the more people tune out. the only mobilization happening is people mobilizing to stay home.
after the show: more squeeze, less juice
after the elections, everyone expects another round of mobilization. the regime has a whole menu of new restrictions ready: travel bans, blocked bank accounts, no loans, no real estate deals. all designed to squeeze the last drop of compliance out of a population thats already running on fumes.
bloomberg says russias been in austerity mode since april, slashing spending everywhere except the war machine. the countrys broke, the people are broke, and the only thing growing is the list of things youre not allowed to do.
- travel bans for draft dodgers
- blocked bank accounts for the “unpatriotic”
- no loans, no real estate deals, no escape
the “opposition”: backup dancers and ghosts
the only people allowed to run are the ones who signed a loyalty oath or agreed to lose gracefully. the communists? just united russias backup dancers. the liberals? exiled, jailed, or erased. the only real opposition is in exile, in prison, or six feet under. the rest are extras in the kremlins reality show.
putin shows up at the united russia convention, gives a speech about “openness and honesty,” and everyone claps like their lives depend on it. because they do. the regimes biggest fear isnt losing an election, its losing control of the narrative. thats why every election is more locked down than the last. more days, more cameras, more “observers” who know better than to actually observe anything.
the real russia: falling apart off camera
the war drags on, the economy tanks, the brain drain turns into a flood, and the only thing the regime can offer is more of the same. the russian dream is now a lada that starts and a neighbor whos even poorer than you. the only thing that works in russia is the propaganda machine, and even thats running on fumes.
the regime thinks it can keep this up forever. just keep faking the numbers, keep the people scared, keep the elites fed, and hope the whole thing doesnt collapse before putin can shuffle off to his dacha. but every month, the risks get worse. more people come back from the front, more money disappears, the elites get angrier, the people get poorer, and the hole gets deeper. at some point, the emergency ends, and theres nothing left to explain away the mess.
the elections arent a solution, theyre a symptom. a dead ritual for a dead system. the only thing alive in russian politics is the fear, fear of change, fear of the truth, fear of what happens when the music stops and everyone realizes theres nothing left but the smell.
the punchline: dead air and dead ends
so yeah, “elections” in russia. dead season. the only thing getting elected is the next round of excuses. the only thing getting counted is the number of people who stopped pretending to care. and the only thing the regime is winning is the race to the bottom.
meanwhile, ukraines tech sector is booming, the worlds watching, and the only thing russia exports now is propaganda, poverty, and people running for the border. the second army of the world? more like the second punchline. the only thing scarier than their nukes is their hygiene.
next time you see the kremlin bragging about “record turnout” or “historic results,” just remember: its all dead air. the only thing real is the silence when the cameras turn off and everyone goes back to pretending nothing happened. welcome to the dead season. enjoy the show, if you can stay awake.
russian elections: the only thing more rigged than the vote is the buffet at the united russia banquet.