regime ran out of ideas and duct tape ages ago, now its just vibes and excuses. ukraine’s rolling up on lyman again, donetsk miners are realizing you cant eat patriotism, another russian general clocked out, and trump’s out here telling nuclear bedtime stories that even kremlin tv cant meme into relevance. welcome to day 1665 of “how not to run a country,” starring the usual suspects and a supporting cast of bootlickers, grifters, and guys who think a working elevator is western decadence.
lyman déjà vu and the cardio maps
remember when russian tv swore they’d hold lyman forever, just like every other town they lost last year? now it’s rerun season, except the “second army of the world” is sending tiktok conscripts to plug holes in the line with their faces. the only thing advancing faster than the afu is the russian ministry of defense’s excuses.
every day brings a new “strategic withdrawal” that looks a lot like running away in socks. z-telegram maps are doing more cardio than the entire russian army. if you believe their updates, russia’s about to encircle kyiv from the safety of rostov.
the sharpest claim here: the only thing russia’s holding is the record for fastest retreat and most creative excuses.
donetsk miners and the price of “liberation”
back in the donbas, the donetsk miners finally got the memo: “liberation” doesn’t pay the bills. you cant buy bread with a st. george ribbon, and the only thing the regime’s handing out is ious and conscription papers. these guys spent years being told they were the backbone of the motherland, now they’re just the next batch of cannon fodder.
the “rebellion” is basically a bunch of dudes in dirty overalls yelling at a portrait of putin, which in russia counts as a color revolution. the kremlin’s answer? promise them a new lada and a bag of potatoes, then send in riot cops who look like they lost a fight with a washing machine.
donetsk miners are learning the hard way that patriotism doesnt fill the fridge, it just gets you drafted.
generals dropping, medals rising
another russian general just hit the respawn screen. at this point, the only thing higher than the general body count is the number of medals they hand out posthumously. every time a general croaks, russian tv calls it a “heroic sacrifice,” but the only thing these guys are sacrificing is their troops and the last shreds of military competence.
the real miracle is there’s anyone left to promote. pretty soon they’ll be giving stars to the guy who can spell “strategy” without crying. the kremlin’s running out of generals and out of guys who can fake a plan on tv.
the only thing russia’s army is winning is a speedrun to see who can get promoted posthumously the fastest.
trump’s nuclear bedtime stories and the international clown car
donald j. trump’s out here talking about “n-rhetoric” and “nukler” like he’s auditioning for a bond villain with a head injury. he meets putin in alaska, then goes on tv to say “putin wants peace,” and the whole room laughs like he just farted in church. even jared kushner gets in on the act, telling a kyiv forum the problem is ukraine “not wanting to give up donbas.” bro, you try giving away your house to the guy who just torched your garage and shot your dog.
the kremlin’s un rep blames “european hysteria” for trying to “infect trump with russophobia.” buddy, if trump was any more pro-kremlin, he’d be getting paid in gazprom shares. russia’s big move is quoting jd vance at the security council like anyone outside ohio cares.
- trump’s nuclear threats are empty
- kushner’s “compromise” is just “let putin keep what he stole”
- kremlin’s only export is cope
the only thing more empty than trump’s threats is the promise of “peace” from a regime that cant even keep the lights on.
russian economy: lada in january edition
the russian economy is doing its best impression of a lada in january. gasoline shortages, no air defense in taganrog, sochi underwater, wildberries on fire—pick your disaster, there’s a line around the block. the regime’s answer? more mobilization rumors, more fake referendums, more “secret ceasefires” that last as long as a bottle of vodka at a conscript’s going-away party.
every time the west sends a new batch of aid, russian tv swears it’s a sign of nato panic. meanwhile, the only panic is in the kremlin, where the biggest fear is running out of guys to send to the front before the next round of sanctions hits.
if you have to threaten armageddon every tuesday just to get a seat at the table, you’re not a superpower, you’re a guy with a cardboard sign and a bad attitude.
sanctions, exports, and the propaganda treadmill
every week, some z-blogger posts a video from a grocery store with empty shelves and says “this is fine, we are strong.” yeah, strong like a wet paper bag. the ruble’s in freefall, imports are a rumor, and the only thing getting exported is people with a backpack and a one-way ticket to anywhere-but-here.
the regime’s big plan? blame it all on “anglo-saxons” and hope nobody notices the president’s yacht is parked in monaco. the propaganda machine is still grinding: every loss is a “regrouping,” every protest is a “nato plot,” every dead general is a “martyr.” z-bloggers are livestreaming from basements, talking about “fortress russia” while the roof leaks and the neighbors are stealing the copper wiring.
the only thing russia exports reliably is guys sprinting away from it with a backpack.
american drama and the bridge to nowhere
the maga crowd is split between “let’s help ukraine” and “let’s just let putin have it.” trump’s out here promising patriot missile licenses like he’s handing out halloween candy, but the fine print is always “as long as i get credit.” the only thing he’s building is a bridge to nowhere, and even that’s probably made of chinese drywall.
democrats are already sharpening their knives for investigations if he wins, so expect more drama than a russian soap opera, but with better teeth. the only thing more predictable than the kremlin’s next move is the fact that, no matter how bad it gets, there’s always a z-blogger ready to call it a victory.
the real enemy and the empty fridge
so what’s the takeaway from day 1665? simple. russia’s running on fumes, both literally and metaphorically. the army’s a meme, the economy’s a punchline, and the only thing holding the regime together is a mix of fear, nostalgia, and the hope that nobody notices the emperor’s got no pants.
ukraine’s still fighting, still pushing, still refusing to roll over for a bunch of guys who think “strategy” means “throw more bodies at it.” the west is still sending aid, still sanctioning, still not buying the kremlin’s “we’re just misunderstood” routine. and every day, more russians are realizing that the only thing the regime’s really good at is robbing them blind and calling it patriotism.
somewhere in donetsk, a miner’s looking at his empty fridge and wondering if maybe, just maybe, the real enemy isn’t nato, but the guys who promised him greatness and delivered nothing but war, poverty, and a tv that swears everything’s fine.
but hey, at least the washing machines are safe. for now.