war is hell, but the real hustle is the lady with a deck of cards and a wifi connection telling you if today’s the day a missile finds your block. welcome to the psychic-industrial complex, 2024 edition, where fortune tellers and tarot tiktokers are out here predicting “ebeyshiy prilyot” like it’s the weather. if you thought russian propaganda was the only circus in town, wait till you see who’s cashing in on fear now.
war scrambles your brain, fortune tellers cash in
war turns your nerves to soup and your plans to confetti. when the world’s on fire, people will grab any straw that promises a little control, even if it’s a plastic one from a fortune teller’s cup. the old babushka with a crystal ball got a glow-up: now it’s all “energy flows,” “akashic records,” and “connecting to the egregor” to see where the next missile lands.
these folks aren’t just reading your love life anymore, they’re moonlighting as cassandra for trukha, selling “exclusive” airstrike forecasts to anyone desperate enough to pay. the hustle is simple: you want to know if you’ll survive the night, they want your 500 hryvnias. everybody’s needs get met, except your need for actual safety.
anxiety is the new currency, and business is booming
monitoring channels that used to just relay siren alerts now have to compete with tarot readers who claim their cards know where the next shahed will hit, sometimes before the russians do. it’s a grim influencer arms race: who can monetize anxiety faster, the guy with a telegram bot or the girl with a deck of cards and a ring light?
the cards are winning, because they promise not just information, but meaning. “why is this happening to me?” “will i survive?” “is it safe to go outside?” for a fee, the answer is always just one more shuffle away. the only thing these people are clairvoyant about is your wallet.
- telegram bots selling “exclusive” alerts
- tarot streams promising missile forecasts
- energy readers blaming your “vibes” for air raids
victim-blaming with a mystical twist
here’s where it gets dark. these fortune tellers aren’t just selling hope, they’re selling blame. if you get hit, it’s not because russia fired a missile at your city, it’s because you “attracted negative energy” by thinking about the sea or walking under the wrong moon phase. it’s victim-blaming with a mystical twist.
the logic is simple: nobody knows when their time is up, but if you tempt fate by, i don’t know, buying bread during an air raid, you basically asked for it. the universe, apparently, is just waiting for you to slip up so it can drop a missile on your head. and the only way to dodge this cosmic sniper? pay for another reading.
heads they win, tails you lose, and the only thing getting any clarity is your bank balance.
the real world keeps intruding, cards keep shuffling
meanwhile, the actual war keeps grinding on. explosions, blackouts, the whole nine yards. and when the real world intrudes, like a missile actually hitting during a livestream, watch the “experts” scramble. one witch keeps shuffling cards through the booms, trusting her “magical intuition.” another tarot guy gets jumpy, mutters about checking his “inner monitor,” and then just stares at the wall while the chat blows up with “is this the big one?” vibes.
if the cards were so hot, maybe they’d tell you to get off the damn stream and into a shelter. but the real trick isn’t predicting the future, it’s keeping you hooked on uncertainty. every “prediction” is just vague enough to sound plausible, every “energy reading” just ambiguous enough to fit whatever happens next.
russia’s state-sponsored magical thinking
let’s not pretend this is just a ukrainian thing. russia’s got its own flavor of magical thinking, only theirs is state-sponsored. the regime’s main export isn’t oil or gas anymore, it’s fear. every week, new rumors: banks might freeze your money, the army might grab your kid, the next drone strike might torch your warehouse.
the insurance market’s in shambles, because who wants to insure a building that could get flattened any night? tariffs have gone up tenfold, payouts are a joke, and the only thing you can’t insure against is the state itself. there’s no policy for “putin decided to ruin your life.” the only thing stable is the instability.
- banks freezing accounts
- forced mobilization rumors
- insurance that won’t pay out
- state threats on loop
the kremlin loves it that way. fear keeps people quiet. if you’re too busy worrying about your savings, your job, or your next air raid, you’re not thinking about protest. the regime reads silence as support, even though everyone knows silence in russia is just another word for “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
the circus goes on, and the grift never stops
the government’s answer to fear is more fear. no stability, no real protection, just a steady drip of “anything could happen, so don’t get any ideas.” people install vpns, stash cash under the mattress, and wait for the next disaster. the only ones making bank are the ones selling answers, real or imagined.
the fortune tellers aren’t going anywhere. as long as there’s fear, there’s a market for magic. the regime’s happy to let people chase shadows, because it keeps them from looking at the real monsters in charge. and the rest of us? we get to watch the circus, screenshot the grift, and laugh at the clowns, because if you don’t, you’ll cry.
bottom line: when the world’s on fire, there’s always someone ready to sell you a fire extinguisher full of snake oil. the only thing these tarot hustlers and kremlin fearmongers have in common is that they both want you scared, confused, and paying up. don’t give them the satisfaction. if you want to know what tomorrow brings, check the weather, not the cards. and if someone tells you they can predict the next missile strike for a fee, tell them to draw a card for “get a real job.”
russian regime: we control fate itself. reality: cant even control a babushka with a deck of uno cards and a paypal link.