putin wants peace the same way a bear wants a salad, but sure, lets all pretend the us can just whip up a peace plan and everyone will clap. meanwhile, taganrog just ran out of air defense, russia is out of gas (the literal kind, not just the propaganda fumes), and the only plan moscow has is "maybe ukraine could just surrender and we call it a day." spoiler: not happening.
the us peace plan clown show
jared kushner pops up at the yes forum in kyiv, says putin wants peace, and the whole room laughs like he just slipped on a banana peel. thats the vibe. the kremlins idea of peace is ukraine handing over donbas, crimea, and probably the keys to the city, while russia keeps the washing machines it looted. kushners pitch is "lets find a compromise," which in kremlin-speak means "lets reward the guy who started the war." the only thing more delusional than that is thinking trump is going to broker anything except maybe a new line of vodka-flavored steaks.
the real peace plan from moscow is the same as always: threaten, stall, whine about nato, and hope the west gets bored. every time the us or europe floats some "compromise," the kremlin hears "maybe we can keep what we stole if we pout hard enough." thats not a plan, thats a toddler at a checkout line screaming for candy.
the sharpest claim here: the kremlin doesnt want peace, it wants a trophy and a participation medal.
second army of the world, now with less gas
meanwhile, on the ground, russias "second army of the world" is running infiltration squads like its 1943, except now theyre dodging drones and praying the ukrainians dont have starlink. the big innovation? send small groups to sneak around the flanks, because the front lines are a meat grinder and nobody wants to be the next "hero" in a tiktok video. the only thing moving faster than these squads is the rate at which russian generals get replaced after every failed push.
and then theres taganrog. you know, the city famous for… well, nothing, but now its famous for running out of air defense. ukrainian drones are flying in like its open mic night, and the only thing the locals can do is film it for telegram. the russian mod says "everything is under control," which is code for "we have no idea whats going on, but please stop asking." the last time taganrog saw this much action was when someone tried to steal a manhole cover.
the only thing russias really conquered is the art of losing slowly and loudly.
the gas crisis nobody ordered
lets talk about the real disaster: the gas crisis. not the "europe will freeze" meme, the actual russian gas crisis. no fuel in saratov, rostov, samara, or even kurchatov. tractors are parked, fields are empty, and tow trucks are just chilling because theres nothing to tow except maybe the economy. st. petersburg finally admits theres a problem, but nobody explains why. maybe all the gas went to the front, maybe its stuck in a pipeline to china, maybe its just another "temporary difficulty" like the last fifteen years. either way, the only thing running smoothly in russia right now is the line at the bus stop.
the kremlins solution to the fuel crisis is classic: blame the west, blame ukraine, blame the weather, blame anyone except the guys who sold half the countrys oil reserves for a yacht and a dacha in sochi. the propaganda machine is working overtime, but even the babushkas are starting to notice you cant fill your lada with "patriotic spirit."
- no fuel in saratov, rostov, samara, kurchatov
- tractors parked, fields empty, tow trucks idle
- st. petersburg admits a problem, but no answers
border town weirdness and oil drama
back home, things are getting weirder. in the border towns, russian soldiers are so popular that a woman gets kidnapped for refusing to talk to one. thats the level of "liberation" were dealing with. the regimes answer? silence, denial, and maybe a new law making it illegal to say you dont like the army. if you cant win hearts and minds, just kidnap them, i guess.
lets not forget the oil drama. the us sinks an iranian tanker in the gulf, centcom drops the footage, and suddenly the price of oil is doing backflips. russias watching this like a guy who just realized his side hustle is about to go bust. the whole "energy superpower" shtick is looking shakier than a lada in january. when your main export is running out and your armys begging for socks, maybe its time to rethink the five-year plan.
the only plan is cope
through all this, the kremlins "way to end the war" is still the same: hope the west gets tired, hope ukraine gives up, and pray nobody notices the countrys falling apart faster than a soviet apartment block. the only "compromise" they want is the one where they get to keep the loot and everyone else pretends nothing happened.
but heres the punchline: the wars not ending because ukraines not quitting, the wests not bailing, and russias not winning. every "peace plan" that starts with "give putin what he wants" is dead on arrival. the only way this ends is when russia runs out of bodies, bullets, or both. until then, its just more cope, more propaganda, and more empty gas stations.
so yeah, day 1663 and the big news is: no air defense in taganrog, no gas in saratov, no plan in moscow, and no clue in the propaganda department. but hey, at least kushner got a laugh. thats more than most russians get these days.
russian victory parade this year is just a guy holding a sign that says "temporarily out of everything, please clap"